Out of sight but in Mind

George Washington once remarked, ”we haven’t heard from Ben Franklin in Paris this year. We should write him a letter.” Could you imagine maintaining any type of relationship with such limited means of communication these days? Back then snail mail via carriage or ship was the only option. It would take months for someone to write a letter and get a response. It makes me think of couples that thrived in history, about generals who would march to war away from their wives for years at a time. They stayed strong didn’t they? Or did the distance grow into melancholy and resentment? Were extra marital affairs rampant as a result? I don’t doubt it. It happens more than ever now and we can’t possibly use their excuse. Still long distance relationships were as common as STDs and I’d bet my car* nobody wrote articles on how to survive one. That’s just the way things were back then. It was like farming. Results weren’t expected overnight, people didn’t sweat it, and they moved on with their lives.

I am happy to report that the present offers webcam, email, text messaging, Skype, and a wide variety of tools to stay in touch with those you love. My girlfriend lives in Canada, and while the distance is brutal, at least I don’t have to wait six months to hear from her. I’ve come to realize that aside from one very obvious variable, a long distance relationship is not much different than a standard one. The art of communication will make or break it. We make it a point to chat every night before we go to bed since it’s the one time of the day we are both guaranteed to be available. The rest of the time we play it by ear. If we’re both home in the afternoon, we’ll get a session in, but otherwise we’ll just stay in touch by text. (Got to love unlimited texting plans, huh? Or as she would say, “eh?”) Still we keep each other involved in our day-to-day lives, and it goes a long way towards alleviating the type of anxiety that can brew as a result of being so far apart. Some couples shack up and never have a clue about what’s going on.

John and Abigail Adams were married for over fifty years and spent much of that time apart. Their letters reveal a relationship that was emotionally and intellectually balanced despite the political upheaval and personal tragedies that served as a backdrop to the time. There is no reason to listen to those who will say, “long distance relationships don’t work.” They have the same chance as anything else. With technology, it’s easier than ever, but it’s wise to adopt the patient virtues of the past. With electric technology, we live in what Marshal McLuhan would call a return to “acoustic space,” an environment that died when the printed word became the status quo for relating and absorbing information. Because technology has blessed us with instant communication, it can be discouraging when some time passes before you’re able to share time with your partner. Whereas many couples have the option of communicating by simply laying down together and watching TV, long distance couples only have their words. This puts added strain on them because they are being asked to perform their normal function and to compensate for the lack of warmth that can only be sustained by touch. It’s important to make words count, but a period of silence doesn’t have to translate to “out of sight out of mind.” We tend to be visually biased. Trust in your partner and let the time you do spend together incubate in the environment of your combined senses. After all, people used to retain the Iliad by having it sung out loud.

* I drive a Scion XA. You can have it.