The Rules of Engagement

Bite it or regret it...

Couples fight. As my girlfriend, Michele, would say, “ we all have the right to be agitated. Personally, I hate it. It’s such a waste of time, and when the dust clears, I feel guilty for getting all worked up over something trivial in retrospect. I would even argue that it’s the biggest pain in the ass component of a long distance relationship. This past week pulled a tide of friction toward our shore, and until that point we’d barely gone for a swim, so it was a learning experience for the both of us.

It started early in the week with a minor scrap over the phone. We weren’t really arguing about anything, but her bad day turned into a heated exchange. It didn’t help that I was working out because my sense of logic and my fuse tend to shrink when I am excited. She needed an outlet to vent, I made a joke to lighten the mood, it got lost in translation, she snapped at me, I snapped at her, and then things got hot when I selfishly shifted the flow and elaborated on my desire to kick the crap out of some little worm who sears my blood. I can be a jealous idiot at times; I am human, it’s allowed. Both of us loathe raising our voices, so our idea of a heated moment is probably much lighter than what most people expect. But whether it’s a skirmish or all out war, there are a few things that can dull the edges of your swords.

In our culture, the word “fight” produces imagery of winning and losing, and it’s the term often used to describe friction between couples. Unfortunately this concept works against a healthy relationship. If you try to “win” a fight with your partner, you will care more about proving your point than resolving the issue at hand. If you must argue, don’t drag the kitchen sink into it. Leave the past behind and keep the future buried. She just wanted someone to listen about the frustrations of her day; and I only managed to stack more pressure on the conflict.

My girlfriend’s week from hell escalated into a horror movie, and I am sure she’d love to have it wiped from her memory. School was eating her alive, but she made it, and I am so proud of how hard she worked. But we had our moments. Despite my best efforts to be helpful and comforting, she snapped at me a few times. Obviously I didn’t feel I deserved it, and wanted to give her a piece of my mind. But what would that have done? She was already freaking out about school. It would have made things worse for her, and left some scar tissue behind too.

As Lord Byron would say, “ Be thou the rainbow in the storms of life. The evening beam that smiles the clouds away…” It’s important to dissect the turbulence and alleviate its symptoms because rational individuals get upset for legitimate reasons. Being empathetic to that can go a long way to shrinking the length of an argument. I waited until her schoolwork was done, and before I could bring it up, she apologized for her behavior, which reflects the type of person she is. It showed me that she got it, and because of that, I was able to express my concerns without launching an attack. The dialogue was elaborate and constructive, and it settled everything. We were able to move on and leave it behind.

Your partner will someday piss you off. She might blow two thousand dollars on a dress; he might make an ass of himself when he’s drunk. It can be tempting, but avoid the tempest of mouth. Resist the urge to belittle, insult, and yell. A little rain may be good for the lawn, but a hurricane spares nothing. I grew up watching my parents go for the jugular. I remember my friends knocking on my door in the afternoon to go play, and I would barely open it, slide out, and slam it shut so they wouldn’t hear. Our walls were thin though, and I was naïve. My folks are happiest they’ve ever been these days, and while they still have it out, they have harnessed some Zen like gene of diffusion and manage their issues to its tune. I should thank them though. Through them I learned that screaming isn’t synonymous with progress; it’s more like dipping the tip of your tongue in poison.

When your partner lives thousands of miles away, your words are all you have, and their impressions last. When you fight in a standard relationship, the opportunity to apologize with a hug or gesture is always available. When you’re apart, life and other responsibilities can divert you, and if you’ve said something hurtful, your mind will soak in scenarios and what if’s, and you will have to wait before you can dispel the notion that you might have just killed the relationship. It sucks when you just want to hug her and those twelve hours before meeting on I chat drag like workdays, which really sucks if you’re already at work to begin with. Then that moment finally arrives and you both forgive and are ready to move on, but there is one deficit remaining: make up sex. You won’t get to have it – unless you get creative on webcam – and it’s the best part about fighting. So just try to avoid it, and if you must duke it out, follow these rules of engagement to make it a short and smooth duel.